By IndiaHub 
Some of these decisions are fuelled by a complex mix of emotions—gratitude, benevolence, guilt, and avoidance of regret, to name a few. We now live in positive times, when the new generation is financially better off than its predecessors, even if we include inflation-adjusted pensions drawn by many elderly today. Children have grown up seeing parents work hard to give them a good education and, thus, feel they must spend on their parents to make their lives more comfortable. It is also a sign of the times that both sets of parents benefit from the high incomes of their married children.
Lack of boundaries causes strain
Why is this a problem? Aren’t children doing what they can out of a sense of duty and gratitude? Aren’t parents deserving of this attention and care, having sacrificed a lot while they were younger? Shouldn’t the young family feel duty-bound to provide for parents and learn that it is the morally correct position to take?
In the example above, some will expect the daughter-in-law to adjust; others will expect the son to give in. When it is difficult to draw a line and when the allocation of income by the younger generation is impacted by its commitment to parents, it begins to cause a strain.
We cannot generalise here. There are parents who refuse every help that their children offer. They keep accounts and reimburse expenses, much to the annoyance of the children. Conversely, there are parents who behave with an absolute sense of entitlement that they deserve every rupee (dollar is better) their progeny earns, and all else can wait. There are also those who compete with the other set of parents for equal distribution of privileges. Then there are parents who do not know when to ask, what to ask, and when it is too much. They remain confused. Whatever the category, in most cases, parents and children both find it difficult to openly negotiate for themselves.
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Not all parents are the same
My friend has a credit card given by her son, but she always hesitates to use it for major expenses because she wonders if it is too large. The bill goes to her son and she is not sure if he would disapprove. Another friend would like her son to take a loan and buy her a house in her home city. She lives with both her sons abroad for most part, but prefers having a house to come back to whenever she visits India. It is an investment for him anyway, she argues. Another friend refuses to visit his daughter unless he and his wife can travel business class, claiming that the two can’t travel long distances without the comfort of a good night’s sleep.The argument that parents sacrificed a lot in early years and it is now payback time fails to see that the child is now a parent too. Every demand on the progeny’s income could be a compromise on their family’s future. The argument that parents must expect nothing from the children is discounted as being too Western in cultural orientation, while also excluding children who genuinely like to spend on their parents. Is there a scope to discuss some rules that can come into play? Let’s consider a few from the adult children’s perspective.
Your money, your call
First, fix a monthly allowance that will comfortably cover all expenses and leave adequate surplus for other interests of parents. This might seem like cold math, but it has its advantages. Parents get absolute privacy about how that money is allocated. They can spend, save, give away, and use the money as they please. If they have a pension, it can be a top-up offering further cushion.
Second, encourage parents to undertake activities with other groups who share common interests. Provide for comfortable travels, outings, and entertainment. Create an annual gift to give them over and above the monthly allowance with which they can cover large expenses without hesitation. Buy medical insurance. If not feasible, contribute to a corpus to fund future medical emergencies. Let them know the amounts invested.
Third, do not let parents in on your finances. Even if they are eager to know your income, it is private information not to be shared. Do not encourage questions on costs of holidays, cars, or gadgets. Every household must have the right to allocate its income in a way that meets its needs and long-term financial goals. Grown-up children need not give that up to please parents. If acquiring a property in India is not in that equation, so be it. Keeping the equation too open-ended and behaving as if there is enough money for every need sets unrealistic expectations.
Fourth, everyone has an opinion on how others must allocate their money. ‘You have money for a new car, but don’t want to spend any on me; you bought a house too big for your needs; you spend more on your in-laws than on us; you should not invest in stocks; you should send money home and keep it in a NRE account.’ These are commonly heard real complaints. It is no one’s business to dictate what one must do with their money. Don’t give up that right by sharing too much information. Adult up and be in charge.
Fifth, keep a mental allocation of a percentage of your annual income for your parents. Your spouse should be able to do it for their parents. Or pool and earmark for both sides, wherein everyone agrees. Keep your income, expenses, savings, and financial goals in mind and arrive at a fair portion that you can allocate without pain. Enable all the comforts and luxuries you wish for your parents, within that allocation. Invest the surplus of a year for drawing in another year or in an emergency. This simple step will keep guilt and resentment at bay. Do not be more generous than you truly are. It always ends bitterly.
The author is Chairperson, Centre for Investment Education and Learning.